Cat Heaven

I still miss Sanders a lot, and that is to be expected, but I am surprised by how much Ryan still seems to miss the old boy. He talks about him. He journals about him at school. He pets and holds Sanders' box. 

Last night Ryan and I were sitting quietly on the couch when he suddenly said, "Mommy, I was just prayer-ing about Sanders."

"You were praying about him?"

"Yes. And I was wondering where he is now."

I pulled Ryan in for a hug. "Honey, you know where he is."

"In Cat Heaven?" he asked.

"Yes in Cat Heaven."

"I wonder what Cat Heaven is like," Ryan mused.

"Well, no one knows for sure, but I think it's a place full of sunshine and where cats can drink all the milk they want and not get sick. I think all their favorite food is there. So if Sanders wants popcorn or peanut butter or -"

"Or Pop-Tarts!" interrupted Ryan.

"Or Pop-Tarts," I continued, "then he can have them. And I think there is always an angel ready to pet him."

My explaination seemed to make Ryan feel better and he went to bed. However, as soon as he woke up this morning, Ryan asked for Sanders' box. He sat on our bed petting it and then he sneaked it into his own room.

When I got to work I got the book "Cat Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant. Ryan and I read it together and he smiled and grinned the whole time we were reading. After we finished the book Ryan turned to me and said, "I wish I could go to Cat Heaven and get Sanders and bring him back to be with us again."

"I know. But he's really happy there."

"Yeah, and he's probably thinking about you every day," Ryan told me. "I'm just glad he isn't under one of those big rocks in a cemetery."

I have wondered quite a bit why Ryan is still so fixated on Sanders. I think part of it is because that is the first death he has ever experienced and he could see first hand how hard it was for me. I was a mess for days and I know that affected him. But then I started looking through some pictures of Sanders and noticed how many were of him and Ryan together.

And that's when it finally hit me. Ryan didn't just like Sanders and see him as a toy. He loved Sanders. And looking at these pictures and others, I can see that Sanders loved his "little human" right back. I'm sure Sanders thinks of Ryan every day too - and that he'll be waiting for both of us someday down the road.