Getting Ready to Hit the Road

In a few short hours I'll be headed to NYC for my favorite book conference. I love Book Expo America with a passion and always come back equally exhausted and excited about all the new stuff coming out and meeting other librarians.  I'm not even all that intimidated by New York this time around because it will be my third trip there and I know our hotel, the conference center and even some some restaurants that I enjoy. I no longer feel like a complete fish out of water there.  Still, the truth is, part of me really dreads leaving.

This happens any time I travel anywhere without my family. No matter how much the boys drive me nuts sometimes, I would rather be with them and Duane than any place else on Earth. When I'm not with them, it's feels like I'm somehow incomplete. I miss them every second I'm gone.  The pathetic part is that I'm only going to be gone four nights. Four little nights. I'll be home by dinner on Saturday, but I'm still a little sad about leaving.

I managed not to cry when I dropped Wesley off at school this morning, but I did tell him I love him about a dozen times and insisted on a hand squeeze as he hopped out of the car. The next time I see him he won't be in first grade any more! I still have some time with Ryan this morning, but I'm sure I'll cover him with hugs when I get to the airport.

I was the clingiest wife ever last night too. I swear, Duane must have thought I was going to smother him in his sleep.  You'd think I've never gone any place without them before!

I'll try to update a little from NYC, but if I don't get a chance, I'll talk to you all on Saturday!

A Little Bit of Sanders

It's no secret that we adopted Cleo to try and fill a little of the hole that losing Sanders left in my heart.  She'll never replace my boy, but I was hoping for some healing. After a week of having Cleo in the house, Duane and I have noticed she has a few very Sanders like tendencies.

Sanders was easily the most docile, tolerant cat on the planet - a very big plus in a house with kids. Ryan used to carry Sanders around, and while it was obvious Sanders wasn't exactly thrilled, he never struck out at Ryan or protested. Cleo does the same thing. Ryan will not leave that kitten alone. If he is awake, he thinks Cleo should be in his arms or on his lap. And Cleo puts up with it. Despite having claws and still being a rambunctious kitten, she allows Ryan to love on her to his heart is content.

Sanders often laid on my lap in what we called the "Superman" pose - both front legs stretched straight out like he was flying. Cleo does the same thing on my lap.

Sanders occasionally sat with his tongue poking out between his teeth. Cleo too.

Sanders favorite place in the entire house was under the roll top desk in the living room. Gus and Sadie don't hang out under there - probably because they know it was Sanders' spot. But guess where Cleo curls up sometimes?

Sanders loved beer. I always saved him just a little at the bottom of the bottle so he could finish it. The other night I had a beer with dinner and Cleo licked the mouth of the bottle and my lips to get the taste of the beer.

We kept only one of Sanders' special toys after he died. He had a stuffed hedgehog that he just loved. It used to be mine, but he would always steal it off whatever shelf I put it on, so I finally just made it his. It's about the size of a tennis ball and almost completely round. He loved it and would bat it around the house and carry it in his mouth. This morning I heard Duane say, "Is that what I think that is?"  When I turned around, Cleo was batting Sanders' hedgehog across the family room floor, picking it up in her mouth and carrying it out from tight spaces where she couldn't easily bat it. The hedgehog has been up on our family room bookshelf since Sanders died. Cleo must have climbed up there and discovered it.

Cleo isn't Sanders by any stretch, but it's so nice to see little bits of him coming out in her personality. Even Duane has commented that he can see part of Sanders in her, which makes me believe we really did adopt the right kitten. Maybe that hole can start to heal.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama.

I know I did not try to use my work key card to unlock my minivan. That would have just been embarrassing.

There is no way I swung by the house to make sure the garage door was down after spending the entire ride to school assuring Wesley that, yes, the front door was locked.

I did not throw away part of a package of cookies because I could not stop eating them and knew I just had to get them out of the house.

I have not told Ryan that unless he leaves the poor kitten alone sometimes I am going to take her back to where we adopted her from, just so she can get a break. 

Batter Up

We went to a Clippers game with our church group last night. We were running a little late on the way to the ballpark and Ryan said, "I bet our Bible Buddies are already there!"  Very cute.

We aren't a big baseball family, but I like to try and go to a game or two a year and I think we all had a pretty good time.

Winding Down the School Year

As Wesley winds down his first grade year, there a few special events. Today was a poetry reading by his class. Wesley read a poem by himself, and even though the audio the video is almost non-existent, he did a very nice job.



But what I liked even more than the poetry readings was the way Wesley behaved when all the students had gone and the teacher was setting up refreshments. So many of the students saw this as an opportunity to act wild or be loud, but Wesley and a few others actually sat nicely and quietly. He made me so happy.

 

 

And this is what makes him happy - a little something from Grandma to indulge his imagination.

Ryan Short Stories (or, Why My Hair is Turning Grey)

In the car this morning Ryan told me, "Sometimes I just can't sit still no matter how hard I try."

Uh-oh. Perhaps I should give his Kindergarten teacher a heads up now so she has the summer to prepare.

_________________________________________________

The boys were in the bathroom brushing teeth and getting ready for the day as I was making Ryan's bed. All of a sudden I heard Ryan say, "Hey, Wesley! I'm going to pee on your tushie!"

To which I screamed, "Oh no you're not!" as I sprinted across the hall to prevent this particular threat from being carried out.

I made it in time.

________________________________________________

Ryan came running into the family room at full speed and without a stitch of clothing on. I looked up from the computer and said, "Ryan! You don't have any clothes on!"

Ryan looked down at himself and said, "Oops!" before taking off at full speed again.

Like this was somehow a shock to him?

Kitten Update

Things are going pretty well with the addition of Cleo into the W. house. We seem to be past the stage where the other cats hiss at her and refuse to be in the same room as her. Gus is still pretty intrigued by Cleo and will often follow her around the house. Yesterday Cleo practiced her pouncing by pretending she was going to attack Gus, only to land about a foot away, run off and do it again. Cleo desperately wants Sadie to pay attention to her. It's like Sadie is the cool older sister and Cleo is the little pest. Hopefully they'll get it worked out soon. I mean, really, how could you stay annoyed with this cutie?

Holding Tight and Letting Go

There is a quote by Elizabeth Stone that equates having children to having your heart walking around outside your body. Before I became a parent I had no idea how true that statement is. And today, the day after the tornado in Oklahoma that killed so many children, that statement feels more real than ever.

I cannot imagine what those parents are going through. I'm sure it never occurred to any of them when they dropped their children off at school that they'd never see those little faces again. I cried last night watching the news as a local OK station read out names of children who were at a safe location and waiting for their parents to pick them up. I cried for the parents who were waiting for their child's name, but didn't hear it. I cried imagining the parents who didn't have the smoothest morning with their kids (like so many mornings in our house) and have to live with that being one of their last memories of their child.

And like the day after the shootings at Sandy Hook and the day after my friend lost her young son in a car accident, I don't want to let my boys out of my sight. I don't want to go to work. I don't want them to go to school because all I can think about is "what if."

And yet, I know "what if" can't rule our lives. I have to let my heart continue to beat both in and outside my body. I have to continue to teach the boys the best I can, to show them I love them and let them live.

Last night Ryan crawled up on my lap and asked me if kids ever die. How I wanted to be able to say no, that children don't die, but I told him the truth. Yes, kids sometimes die. Sometimes it's an accident like a car crash or a tornado. Sometimes it's because a child has been very sick. Kids do die, but mommies and daddies do everything they can to keep kids safe. I just didn't tell him that sometimes it's out of the hands of mommies and daddies - grownups can't control everything - and how scary that is.

So I'm going to hug and kiss the boys when they leave me this morning. I'm going to miss them all day  and my heart will feel like it is skipping a beat until I see them again.

What's in a Name?

Yesterday I made the seemingly innocent mistake of calling Ryan "Honey."

"Don't call me that," he muttered with his brow furrowed.

"I can't call you Honey?" I asked. "Well, what can I call you?"

"Just my name!"

"But sometimes I call you Angel. Does that mean I can't call you Angel anymore?"

"Angel is okay."

"What about Ryguy? I like to call you that too. And Little Man?"

Ryan gave me an exasperated sigh, "You can call me any of those things, but not "Honey". I am not your Honey!"

For the life of me I cannot figure out why "honey" made him so mad - except maybe because that's what I call Duane. Still, I didn't mean to offend the poor kid.

Misheard Lyrics

The other morning, Ryan asked if we could listen to that song that goes "...beauty shop record that's much cooler than mine."

The scary part? I knew immediately which song he meant - "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." The correct line is "with some indie record that's much cooler than mine."  But hey, he was pretty close.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama.

When I got a text from my dad saying that Ryan had vomited in the car, my first response was not asking how the car was.  Nope, I am much more sensitive than that.

I did not completely forget about getting/doing anything for Ryan's preschool teachers' end-of-year gifts until less than 24 hours before the last day of school.

There is no way my hubby knows me so well that we when we back to the cat place "just to look", Duane hid the cat carrier in the van, knowing we'd need it.

Our New Addition

Meet Cleo - short for Cleopatra - our new kitten. 

We adopted his today with a 3/4 family vote, and Duane relented because he just wants us all to be happy.

She LOVES the boys and I have a pretty strong feeling that she is going to end up being Ryan's cat. And you know what? I'm ok with that.

Ryan wants her to sleep in his room tonight, so we'll see if that actually happens.  Gus and Sadie aren't exactly thrilled, but the hissing has been minimal and I think they'll adapt quickly to their little sister.

Breaking in the Summer Haircut

Despite his earlier protests, Ryan decided he wanted to rock a buzz cut this summer. He looks so different! I don't think it's a long term look for him, but he is loving it right now (and truth be told, I love rubbing it.)

What's funny about the whole thing is how taken Ryan is with his new appearance. He keeps looking at himself in the mirror and saying, "I'm really good looking" or "I look so handsome."

The first night of the haircut Ryan crawled into my bed and told me I could hold him with one hand and rub his hair with the other. As we were lying there, he told me, "I bet the very first time you saw me you thought I was adorable."

I guess a new haircut really can give you a new outlook on life.

Not a Snack You'd Want to Eat

The boys got a package of Mario Brothers fruit snacks the other day. Wesley snagged the box out of the grocery cart and was looking at the characters on the side of the box.

"Look Ryan, there's a mushroom. There's a star. There's Mario. There's Loogie." 

Um...the other brother's name is Luigi. But we did not use it as a teachable moment to explain what exactly a loogie is and why it would not make an appropriate snack. Some lessons can be taught later.

My Own Dr. Dolittle

I have a thing about squirrels. I don't mind them in my yard. I didn't even mind too much when the

super aggressive ones on campus used to follow me across the Oval.  But I just don't get the squirrels that hang out on the street. Not the dead ones, they have obvious reason to be there. I'm talking about the ones that just kind of sit in the street and either don't run until the last minute, or the ones who wait on the side of the road until your car is mere yards away, then launch themselves into the center of the street and attempt to dart back to safety (AKA suicidal squirrels). I am especially sensitive to the last kind, as I inadvertently killed one years ago and went to work sobbing over the road kill I left behind.

So anyway, Wesley and I were in the car, happily driving to school, when I noticed two squirrels hanging out in the middle of the street, probably swapping brownie recipes or something. I called out for them to move so I wouldn't hit them. They did finally  move, but they took their own sweet time about it.  I told Wesley about me accidently hitting a squirrel one time and how upset it had made me and that I didn't want it to happen again. I mean, that would make a me a squirrel serial killer.

"Well Mom, they might not have heard you. They have really tiny ears and they aren't very good listeners," Wesley said. "The next time a squirrel won't move, you let me take care of it. You don't speak squirrel at all and I'm pretty good at it. They'll move for me."

Hey, it's worth a shot. The worst thing that could happen is that it won't work my picture might show up on the wall of the squirrel post office.

The Big Question

"Mom, how come every time people look at me they think I'm ornery?" Ryan asked.

Gee, Ryan. I have no idea.

Interior Decorating - Boy Style

WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS REFERENCES TO MUCUS!

The other night I was sitting on the couch in our family room and happened to look at the post/column that sits right behind it. And what do you think I saw? Well, other than a post that needs painted, I saw a whole bunch of dried boogers right at eye level!

"Boys!" I called out. "Come down here right now!"

Ryan was the first to arrive on the scene - complete with finger shoved up his nose. Before I could ask him about the new addition to the living room he removed his finger and proceeded to....shall we say, have a little snack.

Okay, he's obviously not guilty of wiping boogers on the wall.

Wesley came down the steps then.

"Wesley, have you been wiping boogers on this post?" I asked.

Wesley's eyes darted to Ryan and I just knew he was considering blaming his brother.

"Don't try to tell me Ryan did it," I warned, "because we both know he eats his boogers."

Wesley hung his head in shame and knew he was busted. "Sorry Mom" he muttered. Guess that's one way to find the culprit. Caught almost green handed.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama.

I did not tell Wesley (after a particularly trying moment) that sometimes the rules are different for grownups than they are for kids and he'd just have to get used to it.

I did not seriously consider hiding Wesley's harmonica after he decided at 7:00 in the morning that he was going to start a band and the harmonica was his instrument.

There is no way I got so annoyed with the kids during our Mother's Day zoo trip that I told Duane to take the boys to the playground and I'd go look at the animals by myself and me up with them later.

Happy Mother's Day

Hope you all have had a great Mother's Day. Mine was pretty darn good, but with Duane orchestrating it, there is no way it could be anything but good!

The morning started off with tiramisu French toast for breakfast YUM!!!

Then I was showered with WAY too many and too generous gifts from Duane and the boys. I mean, really, they totally overdid it.

My card from Wesley. So cute!

They got me a subscription to Nature Box - a box of healthy snacks delivered to our door every month!

A box of macaroons from Pistacia Vera

This is a painting of Sanders that Wesley made for me. Duane had his sister mat and frame it. We're going to hang it in the family room.

Isn't this a great dress!? It's a little snug, so we're going to get the next size up, but I can't wait to wear it!

After church we grabbed a bite of lunch, then went to a cat adoption center to look at cats. Ryan and I fell head over heels for an 8 month old girl kitty named Farrah. Just the sweetest thing - and playful! However, Wesley desperately wanted a 9 week old kitten named Wishes (horrible name). He wouldn't look at any other cat and threatened not to leave unless we adopted her. I told him that we were not getting a cat and if we did, it would be Farrah. But, once again, no cat came home with us.  I may have to visit Farrah again next weekend though and see if was meant to be.

Since it was a bright sunny day, I abandoned my original Mother's Day plan of drinking wine and reading books in favor of a family trip to the zoo. It was both a good and bad idea. The animals were actually really active, but Wesley was in a funk because we didn't adopt Wishes. He was out of his funk for a little while, but then all the boys wanted to was play at the playgrounds. After the North American section, I had Duane take the boys to play and I looked at animals alone.

Love this picture of Wesley

Me and my little guys

Big Man and my Little Men

My favorite animals in the entire zoo

Add caption

Hanging out in a bear trap

After we finished up at the zoo, we came home for Mother's Day dinner with my mom and stepdad. Duane made a Thai Chicken Pizza from The Pioneer Woman's cookbook and a chocolate cake with raspberry buttercream.

 

And of course we had to do some Mother's Day pictures!

 

Don't Mess With the Guy Upstairs

I love the conversations I overhear the boys having! This deep conversation took place over breakfast yesterday.

Ryan: Don't sass God!

Wesley: Yeah, that's probably not a good idea.

Ryan: Jail forever?

Wesley: (nodding wisely) Yeah, probably even jail in Heaven.

Ryan: Wow! Really don't sass God!

Family Radio

There's a reason we mostly listen to CDs in our car. I hate having to police the radio stations for questionable language and lyrics, so when I have the radio on it's generally tuned to the Christian music station. Duane likes classic rock. When we are both in the car we generally compromise with a station that plays primarily 80s and some early 90's stuff.

Last night on the way to soccer the boys asked us to turn the radio on. It seemed like every station was on commercial, but we finally found some music on a country station. Now I like country music - quite a lot actually - so I was perfectly content, but after about 30 seconds Ryan said, "This is not our style. Can we listen to rock?"

"Yeah," Wesley piped up. "I want something with a funky beat."

Guess Taylor Swift just doesn't cut it with this crew.

I Still Do

Duane and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary yesterday. I know nine years may not seem that long to a lot you, but each year I am married to Duane is truly cause for celebration. Yesterday was nine years since my life started over. I always dreamed of having a such a wonderful, solid and all around good man as my husband and in 2004 my prayers were answered. Duane values and respects me and we really are partners in our marriage. He makes me laugh and treats me like a queen. I am better because of him and try my best to be the wife he deserves. He's everything.

So how did we celebrate? Just by spending the day together. We looked at home decor stores and talked about how we want to decorate the house. We ate lunch at a taco truck. We went top home improvement store and talked about what we want to do to the backyard. Just a laid back day.

We also to Cat Wefare to look at the cats. Once again, I was a little disheartened that no cat there immediately gave that "I am your cat" vibe. And there was only one kitten there - who was not the kitten for me.

I was so sad about not finding a kitten that after dinner Duane took me to the pet store where we got Sadie. I try not to be a pet store pet person. There are so many shelter cats and strays that need homes, but I needed a kitten fix and boy did I find one. I found a beautiful orange Persian who pulled my heart strings in just the right way. He was laid back, but playful and loved to be held. I think I played with him for at least half an hour.  Really, I was ready to take that boy home and Duane (who really doesn't want another cat) was about ready to let me. Then we asked how much he was, and after I picked my jaw up off the ground, I put him back in his cage and we left.

So, no kitten for me. But I can't believe how wonderful Duane was about it all. He spent our anniversary looking for a pet he doesn't want because he knows I am still aching for Sanders. He put my happiness before his own and he does that all the time. He bought us tickets to see Wicked next month -really good tickets- when I'm not sure he really wants to see it. That's the kind of man he is. And I'd happily marry him all over again.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama.

I did not sleep through a night of Wesley getting sick every half hour or so, leaving Duane to literally deal with the mess.

I have not started to stress about missing Mother's Day even though I KNOW it's almost a week a way. There is no way the commercials have me that paranoid.

I certainly did not catch myself singing out loud and dancing to the Madonna song that was playing over the speakers at Kroger as I did my grocery shopping.

I did not throw a little hissy fit when the DVD player quit working right when I was getting ready to exercise to my workout disc - you know, instead of choosing to do something productive like a take bike ride to exercise instead.

When it's Time to Go

We had to run an errand after dinner and swung by the playground at Wesley's school for a few minutes afterwards. Some friends our ours were there, so Duane and I figured we could have a little chat with the grownups while all the kids ran around. That plan worked for about fifteen minutes, then Ryan came up to me and said that he needed to go to the bathroom.

Duane and I took that as our cue to get the kids in the van and head home.  We got up from the picnic table and called out to Wesley to was across the playground that it was time to leave. Wesley didn't appear to hear us, so we called again. Still no response.

Ryan decided to take matters into his own hands and hollered at the top of his lungs, "Wesley! We have to go home! I have to P-O-O-P!"

And with the laughter of our friends ringing out, we made a memorable exit. And even more importantly, we arrived home in time Ryan to take care of business.

Weekend Mommy Guilt

I have noticed that when I work a full weekend, my kids get the short end of the stick. I don't mean just because I don't get to spend much time with them, although that's part of it. When I work a full weekend I tend to be a bit testy at home. I don't want to do much on Sunday morning because I have to go to work and I am tired when I get home because it's more public service work than I generally do. I find myself snapping at the kids and making mountains out of mole hills and not being the patient, kind mom I wish I was.

And then I spend the whole day away from the kids beating myself up for being a bad mom. Seriously, by the time I got to work today I had convinced myself that all I do is yell at my boys and that they deserve a better mommy than me. I convinced myself that I never spend any real time with them and the time I do spend with them is running errands and nagging instead of enjoying them. I convinced myself that they wish they had a different mommy - a better mommy. One who doesn't get tired and annoyed and who isn't sarcastic. One who saves every piece of artwork and always wants to play.

Did my boys get the short end of the stick with me? Are there mommy classes I can take? How can I stop feeling like I fail them daily?

Early Mothers Day

Ryan gave me a little early Mother's Day treat yesterday. 

 

 

He made that beautiful bracelet for me at school a week or two ago, but the teachers wanted him to wait until after the art show to bring it home. One of his teachers told me that he had been asking to bring it home almost daily since he made it. I wore it with pride all day yesterday and put it on again this morning. It's the first thing Ryan has made just for me.

 

My other early Mother's Day treat from Ryan came when we were headed to Grandma and Grandpa P.'s for an afternoon visit. We hit the McDonald's drive-thru to get Ryan a happy meal for lunch. As we pulled away from the window Ryan said, "I just want the nuggets and BBQ sauce, so you can have the fries Mom." 

 

SCORE!!! Jewelry and  hot McDonald's fries!! That little boy sure knows the way to my heart!

Decisions Decisions

Wesley has been sick for the last couple of days. Tuesday the poor guy couldn't even keep medicine down, so he obviously stayed home. Yesterday he didn't throw up, but wasn't quite himself - although he did feel well enough to fight with Ryan most of the day. This morning he is practically in tears saying that his stomach hurts, but no fever and no vomiting, so I'm planning to take him to school.

I feel so horribly guilty about sending him back today. I know there is no real reason to keep him home, but I am equally certain we will get a call from the nurse at some point today. I am sitting here struggling with what to do and I feel like whatever I choose will be wrong.

Why doesn't the parenting manual cover this?