Coping

I'm writing this post with tears streaming down my face. I miss Sanders so much. Even though he was old and barely a shadow of the cat he used to be, I miss him. I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye. I keep reaching down to pick him up while I'm at the computer or eating dinner because he spent most meals on my lap. I miss having him curled up next to me while I watched tv. I just miss him.

Tuesday I coped by taking some of Sanders things over to Cat Welfare. Surrounding myself with cats may seem like a strange thing to do hours after my cat died, but it was actually comforting in a way. Those cats were strangers to me and I could pet them and appreciate them without comparing them to my boy. I couldn't picture him there, so it was a safe place to be.

I've also been coping with food. Not ideal. Tuesday all I wanted to eat was carbs. Potato soup, crusty bread, bagels. Carbs carbs carbs. Yesterday all I wanted was chocolate. I even hit the vending machine at work before 10:00 AM to get candy. But by dinnertime last night, everything was starting to taste like cardboard. This morning I woke up and had to force myself to eat the muffin I bought and I didn't even finish my coffee. I didn't finish my lunch either, but I couldn't stop slamming the carbs again at dinner. And that pint of Chubby Hubby my brother bought me? 2/3 gone.

It's not so bad when I'm at work I guess, but mornings and evenings are just killing me. I still wake up and feel like I need to go take care of him before getting in the shower. I look for him all the time. I still have the urge to get up and give him his shot after dinner.

We found Sanders' special stuffed toy on the floor. We've decided to tuck it in the box with his ashes when they arrive if there is room. If not, we'll bury it with the box when we bury his ashes in the Spring. In the meantime it alternates between mocking me and offering me some comfort as I remember him batting it around the house and carrying it in his mouth.

I tried to go take a long, hot bath after dinner to help me unwind, but all I could think about was how he would sit on the edge of the tub or poke his head around the side of the curtain if I was in the shower.

I know some people think I'm silly for mourning a cat like this. But he wasn't just a cat to me. He was my confidant. He was like my first child. I've never met another cat like him and I don't think I ever will. Gus and Sadie are nice cats, but they aren't Sanders and they'll never take his place.